I’d like to preface this post by saying that I’m not a super sensitive person. I’m not easily offended, and I’m usually pretty good at looking at a situation from the other person’s point of view to understand where they are coming from. After initially writing this post, I actually read a blog post by a friend about how people struggling with infertility are “too sensitive” and she’s tired of seeing the “what not to say to someone who struggles with (fill in the blank)” posts. So I put off sharing this post for MONTHS because I thought maybe I was being “too sensitive.” But the longer I’ve put off sharing it – the more I feel it needs to be shared.

When you’ve been struggling with infertility for a while (as we have), you hear all sorts of things. Sometimes people with the best of intentions can say hurtful or irritating things. Most of the time I think people either don’t know what to say or think they’re being helpful, but the truth is – unless you’ve been on this road – odds are you have no idea what you’re talking about. And that’s okay! In fact – just admit that! Tell your friend – “I don’t know what to say.” Or “I can’t even imagine.” Or “I wish I knew how to fix this.” Most of the time we’re not looking for our loved ones to solve our problem or to say anything really, but merely to just be supportive and a willing listener when we need them.

The things I list below are all things that have been said to me at one time or another during our journey to have kids. While none of these made me break down in tears, several of them did rub me the wrong way. I’m mainly sharing these to enlighten and help those who might have a loved one struggling on this road. So here’s eighteen things you probably shouldn’t say to your friend struggling with infertility.

1. Are you pregnant yet?
Personally, I always loved that people were taking an active interest in our journey (through infertility and now adoption). It’s wonderful to feel like we have so many people behind us, rooting for us. But for some this question can be hard because it acts as a reminder that they are not pregnant. Honestly, those who are actively working to have children – when they’re pregnant and it sticks – they’ll be telling people…like EVERYONE. haha. A better question would be “How are you doing?“ Then they can choose whether or not they want to discuss their infertility because honestly – sometimes we just need a break.

2. No one else in our family has had trouble getting pregnant, I don’t know what’s wrong with you.
Let’s just start with the fact that comparison is kind of pointless. We are all our own unique individuals with our own unique struggles. My infertility journey is not going to be the same as my friend’s across the country. Comparing someone to anyone else isn’t helpful or kind. Most people struggling with infertility already feel broken on their own. They certainly don’t need any additional emphasis on that from others.

3. You can always adopt.
Yes… adoption is an option, but it isn’t an option for everyone. (I recently wrote about this here.) It can be a lengthy and expensive process. And again – comparing is kind of silly. Adoption and having your own kids are very different things, and both are big and very personal decisions. There are a variety of obstacles to adoption and a whole other type of waiting process. Couples going through infertility treatments are still holding onto a hope and desire to have biological children and odds are they aren’t ready to think about adoption… because in a way you’re giving up on the option of having your own. And while adopting a child is a wonderful thing and can help you grow your family, it doesn’t change the pain of feeling broken and incapable of having kids of your own. Bear in mind, most people struggling with infertility are aware of their options… They are being informed of them all the time. So if your friend is talking to you about their infertility, instead of suggesting things, ask them what options they’re looking at.

4. Hey I’ve heard that this (insert treatment, diet, medication, etc) solves infertility issues.
Personally I don’t mind when those I’m close to or who have gone through this struggle send me advice. Lord knows in the past five years I’ve received TONS of it! However, I do find it awkward and somewhat irritating when someone I barely know and who hasn’t struggled with infertility tries to give me advice. While it’s thoughtful that you want to help, those struggling with infertility are getting advice all the time… from everyone. And honestly – the advice of their medical professional is the only advice that really matters. Their doctor understands their specific situation and how to best treat what’s going on with them personally.

5. Maybe you’re not meant to be parents.
Yup. You read that right. Some people think this is helpful. Honestly – this thought has probably crossed our minds. But the more I think about it – the more qualified I feel to be a parent, especially compared to some parents I know. Because I am consciously making the choice to be a parent. I’m responsible and financially secure. Truthfully, there is nothing but a negative connotation associated with this statement so I suggest it be completely avoided.

6. Are you sure you want kids?
At the peak of our infertility treatments, I was driving an hour and half one way to a doctor once (sometimes twice) a week. Our insurance didn’t cover these treatments because infertility is not seen as a medical treatment so I had to pay all medical bills up front for each visit. Women going through these treatments are being put on a variety of medications, poked, prodded, having unpleasant procedures done on a regular basis. Even the husbands are undergoing testing… I think it’s pretty safe to say that couples going to these lengths would answer that question with a resounding YES!

7. You’re so lucky you don’t have kids!
I don’t know in what universe this seems like a thoughtful thing to say to someone trying to have kids. You wouldn’t say “You’re so lucky you don’t have a job!” to your struggling, unemployed friend… We know that kids are a ton of work, that they keep you up at night, that they are expensive, that you have no privacy, that your world revolves around them. We know these things and we’re still investing inordinate amounts of time, money, and stress into trying to have them. We don’t feel lucky. We would give anything to have sleepless nights, thinner wallets, and zero privacy if it means we have a little one of our own.

8. It could be worse. / At least it’s not (insert illness).
Statements like this belittle how we feel. We are entitled to our feelings even though we often get down on ourselves for how we feel. We know we have good in our lives and we’re not taking that for granted. But when you’re trying to have kids, your whole life is swept up in doctor appointments, medication schedules, and trying to line everything up. It requires a lot of time – just like your kids do. So it’s easy to get caught up in the frustration and sorrow of your lack of success. We know it could be worse… but we also wish it would be better.

9. Do you really think you should pass on your genetic flaws?
We actually had a doctor say this to us last year… And… I don’t really know what to say about it. This just all-around seems rude and insensitive to me. You’re telling someone they are damaged goods, flawed and broken… and then you’re telling them that they will be dooming their child, creating more damage… Again I feel like this is a statement that should never be uttered.

10. You’re getting old. You better do something soon.
I’m aware of my age… in fact I’m very aware of it. I wanted to start growing my family 5 years ago. I see and very much feel that passage of time. Most women understand how their body works and know that there is a window for having kids that will eventually close. Being reminded of that passage of time is painful. We’re all too aware of it on our own, we don’t need someone else to remind us. Nor do we need to be rushed or pressured into making very important and personal life decisions.

11. People who don’t have children have no hope for the future.
Personally I don’t know how someone can make a statement like this without realizing or understanding it is hurtful. And quite honestly it’s a very narrow-minded view of the world. I have many friends who have no desire to be parents and they live very happy, very fulfilled lives. Their life and future is no less because they don’t have or don’t want kids. Children don’t somehow magically lock in your future. In fact with all the expenses of children, it can often do quite the opposite. Actually the more I think about this statement the less sense it makes…

12. It’ll happen one day, just wait your turn.
I know this seems like a reassuring thing to say, but unfortunately it isn’t. One problem with this is it makes it sound inevitable that things will work out in the end. And the truth is they may not. Being told, “Don’t worry, it’ll happen,” tends to be translated internally as, “Stop complaining” or “Get over it.” Instead of offering up empty encouragements – be honest and acknowledge with your friend that their situation sucks!

13. It was so easy for me to get pregnant! My husband just looked at me & I was pregnant!
I’ve had a couple of friends say this and it honestly never bothered me. Partly because it’s an over-exaggeration and partly because most of the women who have said this to me, accidentally fell pregnant. But I know some might take this statement a little personally because it can feel like a dig. It is another comparison – in this case you seem to be gloating about the ease with which you conceived. And that can hurt your friend who is trying so hard to grow her family.

14. If you just lost (or gained) a few pounds it would probably happen.
I’ve had this said to me many times over the course of our five years of infertility. Commenting on a person’s weight is never polite, let alone when your friend is hurting. In my case, my infertility is caused by a syndrome (PCOS) which also makes it very difficult to lose weight. When this has been said to me, it only compounded things for me. I felt insulted about my weight and made to feel as though I wasn’t trying hard enough, which was absolutely not the case.

15. At least you know you can get pregnant!” (after a friend has a miscarriage)
Miscarriage is an incredibly difficult thing! It seems many people fail to realize that miscarriage is a death. This is a couple who very much wanted their child, and they are dealing with the death of their child. And if this couple has been trying for a while to conceive, that adds even more pain to this horrible event. A statement like the one above only serves to belittle the passing of their child and the pain they feel. Instead please acknowledge and honor their heartache!

16. Maybe God’s trying to teach you (fill in the blank).
It has been suggested to me many times that God is trying to teach me something through our infertility. For a long time I believed He was trying to teach me patience and then trust. But when someone else tries to suggest to me what God is trying to teach me, it can sometimes feel like a judgement. I once opened up to a fellow church-goer about how hard this has been, especially with so many people at our church seeming to get pregnant so easily. And then that person suggested to me that perhaps God was trying to teach me compassion. That really stung because it implied that she didn’t think I was compassionate… I was simply voicing my heartache, not judging anyone else. And if you know me, I spend most of my life trying to keep everyone else happy. If your friend feels like God is trying to teach them something, I’m sure they will share that with you. But in general, I don’t think it’s a good idea to make assumptions or judgements and try to define God’s intentions towards your friend.

I have two last “don’t” for you…

17. Don’t complain about your pregnancy
For me this kind of depends on how close we are. In general, it can be hard for me to listen to someone complain about their pregnancy. Often those going through fertility treatments are on medication or undergoing procedures that have very similar symptoms to those of a pregnant woman. For over a year and a half, I have dealt with nausea, upset stomach, and diarrhea due to the medication I have to be on just to regulate my whole body. When I had my SIS procedure, I experienced some of the most uncomfortable pain in my life and according to many – this procedure was worse than when they gave birth. We know you’re uncomfortable. That’s kind of par for the course with pregnancy. I’m not saying you can’t complain. I’m sure you have plenty of mom friends who can share in your struggle. But I would suggest to try not to complain to your friend who would give anything to have those symptoms if it meant they were carrying a little one to love!

And most importantly…

18. Don’t gossip about a friend’s infertility.
Even if your friend is very open about their infertility, this is their journey and their story and they should get to be the one to decide who knows and how it is told. It is never your place to divulge a loved ones personal pain with others. That is for them and them alone to share.

I feel like this was a rather long and negative post. But over five years, there have been a lot of things that have been said. Words can be very damaging. Once said they can’t be erased. I think the best you can do is put yourself in your friend’s shoes. Take some time before you say something to think about how it might make them feel. It’s not difficult to be thoughtful and compassionate. It’s not hard to be a good friend. And if you’re worried about saying the wrong thing – just tell them that! Or if you do say the wrong thing – admit it to them and apologize. I promise we’re not looking for things to get mad about, we just want a little compassion.

I hope this has been at least a little helpful. And if there’s anything you would add to this list – leave a comment below!