I haven’t shared anything real or raw in a while and today I feel like this is something I should share with you all. For those who’ve been reading a long here for a while or who actually know me – you may have read about our story to find Marlee through infertility adn the adoption wait. And it’s impossible for me to talk about that journey without talking about God’s impact on me through that. And the truth is so much of that has impacted who I am today.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that journey… the shaping… Because I don’t think I’ll ever forget what that felt like when I was in the midst of it. That hurt and the heartache and the yearning and the constant questioning… “Why not us?” “Will it ever be us?” I’ll never forget the day God called us away from IVF and how difficult that decision was. Because even though God told us what to do… it was still our choice. I waited so long to call and cancel that appointment… because it was a painful shift away from the “known”… away from what I wanted… away from what little control I felt like I had. It felt so much like giving up… even though it was really giving in. And then there was the adoption wait… not knowing how we’d afford it… feeling like we’d never be chosen… wondering if we weren’t good enough… wondering what God’s purpose in all this was…
I remember crying… no, sobbing to Him… asking Him to take the pain away. I remember begging Him to take the desire to be a mother away if this wasn’t what He had planned. I remember the point when I felt like I had turned this hope for motherhood into an idol… I remember realizing that I needed to change my prayers… shift my focus. I started praying to God, every day, multiple times a day… “I surrender it all to you. Just show me what you want of me and I’ll try to be okay with it, even if it’s not what I want.” I remember this slowly shifting from words said half-heartedly to words I completely meant. I remember slowly feeling more peace about the path God was guiding us on though the hurt was still there, lingering beneath the surface.
And I remember all the miracles that led to Marlee… the bunnies… Oh the bunnies were everywhere the week before our Easter baby was born. And even as things went wrong… God was there. The kindness from everyone… doctors, nurses, hotel staff, and even random strangers. All the people who swooped in to help while we were gone. A dove outside our hotel window on the hardest of days. A photographer perfect for us and on our way southwest being available to do Marlee’s newborn portraits. And we traveled south west in the state in the faith that we’d get a call saying we could head home before the weekend… we didn’t call ahead to find a hotel but trusted that a space would be available for us… there was a perfect room at the Inn just for us… and despite our lawyers confidence that we wouldn’t get to head home before the weekend… we did, in fact, get to leave. God made himself known again and again on our journey to Marlee…
And so here I am… I believe in God in a way I don’t think I ever would have imagined. My life now is different because of this relationship I have with him. It’s weird and crazy and beautiful all at once. Where I once would have made decisions based purely on logical and reason… I now know sometimes the logical and safest route isn’t the best one… or the right one. It can also be terrifying when He pushes you out of your comfort zone, but at the same time amazing when you see him do his work through it or you.
But the thing is – for me – I often don’t get the whole picture… I just get a piece of it… and then I’m left to figure out what that means or what I’m supposed to do. What I’m learning is that I’m often too eager to run ahead… I get excited for the end result and fail to enjoy the journey. I push forward trying to assist where God doesn’t need my assistance… And I think I’m probably not alone in that. We as a culture are always pushing forward… doing more… working faster and harder… seeking that next level… But God’s pace is often slower than we are accustomed to… and that’s what I’m learning to be comfortable in. The slower pace. I can have the vision of where He’s taking us… and I can learn to be content in the now… being content in the journey… being content in the opportunity to grow through it, with Him.
I guess I wanted to share because that’s where I am… I’m on this crazy joureny of knowing Him more and trying to follow His path and pace… and I thought maybe you are too. Maybe you’re on a new adventure and you see the mountaintop but don’t know how to get there or you see the path but don’t know where the mountaintop is. And that’s okay. We don’t need the whole picture… not all at once… and sometimes that’s the point. To give us the opportunity to accept His pace… because when we go at his pace we have the time to know Him. To really know Him. And to see His blessings unfold!