I’ve been putting off writing this post for a while now. Honestly, because I don’t want to talk about it. But I’ve been feeling God push me to release this and I promised to be more vulnerable again this year. Plus, I keep reminding myself that others may benefit from hearing our story. So here it is… the continuation of our reality…

It was late October – October 21st to be precise. It was a Friday afternoon around 3:30 and I was running on the treadmill. Exercise is my “me” time and it helps keep me balanced physically and mentally. The screen on my phone lit up and I look down to see a text from Ryan: “Check voicemail!!!! Trust me 😉 you’ll want to stop whatever you’re doing right now”

We had been matched! I cannot even begin to tell you the level of excitement and nervousness I felt about this call! That night we had our first phone call with Melissa, the birth mom who chose us and was due in just four days! We chatted for maybe 15 or 20 minutes before she had to go but we made plans to meet for breakfast on Sunday up in Chicago where she lives. She wanted a chance to get to know us before the birth of our son. After the phone call ended, we looked at each other and just hugged. We were so happy but still apprehensive and unsure of what to expect.

Saturday was a day of pent up anxiety and excitement as we waited for our big visit the following day. We decided to keep this news mostly to ourselves in case things fell through. (And honestly – I’m glad we did.) So we went about our day as normal – I went to work photographing a couple sessions I had on the calendar and Ryan got some chores done around the house. But off and on all day I texted back and forth with Melissa. We decided where to meet the next day and what time. She shared about her previous adoption experience, asked about family traditions we have, hobbies we enjoy, etc. Then she asked if we could be there for the birth since her husband was injured and couldn’t be there with her and she didn’t want to do it alone. I was so humbled by this because knowing I will never get to experience childbirth is a huge pain point for me. So, of course, we said absolutely! We chatted a bit more and then I received an ultrasound picture. I stared at it for a while because I had seen one like it before…

Twins… “the cat’s out of the box its twin boys” and “I was afraid you would say no if I said it was twins.” Oh my gosh! Were we happy! We were giddy with joy! I mean just having a gender was one thing but then to find out I was going to have two sons… our sons… I said those words to myself many a time on Saturday. We kept texting with Melissa for a long while the rest of the day and we started to plan out what things we’d need to get right away with the boys due so soon.

Now… you need to understand… for us – this whole journey with infertility and adoption – it’s been a walk with Jesus experience. There is no part of this journey that hasn’t been actively engaged by God. I mean, we walked away from IVF because we felt that God did not want us to move forward with that. And it is still one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. We shifted towards adoption – specifically domestic infant adoption because it’s where we felt led to go. And I believed through every moment of this journey that God would give us our miracle. I believed after we turned away from IVF and committed to him that I would get pregnant shortly after… a reward for our faithfulness… but that didn’t happen. I thought once we started pursuing adoption that our wait would be brief… people even told us that would be the case… but that didn’t happen either.

So this… this felt like answered prayers! This felt like our miracle! It was right at that line where we wouldn’t have to renew all the paperwork and fees for the new year. It was going to be close to the time my best friend was having her little guy so it would mean our kids would grow up together. The birth mom wanted us there for the birth so I would get to the closest thing to experiencing childbirth I will ever have. And it was twins!!! See… we don’t know if we’ll ever be able to do this again – so the idea of being blessed with two children just felt like a gift… a blessing for all the pain and heartache of the past seven years. Especially since we always wanted a big family. So even though we were still a little hesitant, we chose to stay in the belief that this was finally it.

Sunday came and we got up at 4:00 in the morning… I slept hardly at all – I was too nervous about everything. I went through my closet and tried to pick an outfit that felt like would show who I am and looked like “mom material.” I settled on a light weight long sleeve shirt, my favorite jeggings, my leather jacket since it was a bit cool, and my favorite boots. Then while it was still dark out, we got in the car and made the long drive up to Chicago.

We arrived at the address Melissa gave us to find that they were standing outside of the building. Melissa, her sister, and two of their kids piled into our car and we took them to IHOP (their choice) for breakfast. We engaged in some light conversation on the car ride there and once we were seated, told them to order anything they liked. We even got them food to take home to two of the kids who were still in bed. As we were getting ready to go, they did ask us if we could possibly take them to Walmart. Melissa’s sister said she’d be leaving for a job opportunity the next day and she wanted to be sure her sister and the kids would be taken care of while she was gone. Of course, we obliged.

So we headed to the store. We followed them through as they loaded down a shopping cart and motorized cart full of food, clothing, and more. The only thing Melissa asked for was one of those adult coloring books and some colored pencils, and we decided to get her track phone so that we would be able to stay in touch (since she said her sister would be taking the phone with her to Wisconsin the next day). We got to the front of the store and they finished ringing up their items when Melissa’s sister stated her wallet was missing… she walked to the side and made a phone call and came back stating her daughter had taken her card from her wallet and they didn’t have a way to pay. I asked the cashier if we could just set the carts to the side, run home and get the card, and come back. So that’s what we did as we bought Melissa the few things we had agreed to. We got out to the truck and then Melissa’s sister suddenly states “Oh no! That check didn’t go through so we can’t pay for it anyway.” I’m not sure how she was able to check this, but regardless – they asked if we could cover it.

… So here was our dilemma. First of all – we were not 100% certain about this whole situation to begin with. Second – we were not sure what we were and were not allowed to do. You have to be careful about this stuff a little because you don’t want to do something that could be considered bribery or payment for a child. All we were told was “you can pay for lunch and you can buy them gifts, but don’t give them money.” And there was no one to call since both our facilitator and social worker’s offices were closed (believe me – we tried). So after some debate, we decided we could buy the groceries as long as we didn’t give them cash directly. The original bill did total close to $800 though and I told them we’d have to bring that down quite a bit and focus on getting just the necessities. So we went back in, they went through their carts, and we still spent several hundred dollars for them.

After this, we drove them back to their apartment but her sister stated that her daughter “locked the keys in the apartment.” So now we need to deliver all of these groceries to an apartment across the street. We weren’t allowed to take any of the groceries inside, they asked us to leave them just outside the door and they would carry them in. So we followed their wishes. Melissa’s sister encouraged us to then go somewhere – just the three of us to talk. Melissa by this point was hungry again so we took her to McDonald’s upon her request. At this point, I was still feeling really skeptical and we had been hoping to leave this get together feeling more confident so I decided to ask her more questions. I asked her if it felt different being pregnant with twins as opposed to her other pregnancies. (nope. it’s really the same.) I asked her if this was her original due date or if they moved it forward when they found out it was twins. (nope. original due date.) I asked her when the ultrasound was from (clearly it’s from around 8-10 weeks but she claimed it was from 20 weeks.) She said they might make her wait another week or two because their lungs might not be fully developed. Honestly, I don’t remember what all I asked her I just know I asked her a lot of questions hoping to get more concrete answers that gave me some confidence but we ended up with her finishing her food and leaving still feeling very uncertain.

I remember very clearly after we dropped Melissa off and she went around the corner and into the house, Ryan grabbed my hand and immediately started praying. Praying fervently that this was real and to give us strength. I called my soul sister, Erin, on the car ride home and talked to her about all of it hoping she would have some insight for me that would encourage me one way or the other. But she remained on that same narrow fence we were on. We ended up stopping in Champaign for dinner because I had barely eaten all day since I was so nervous. While we were there I decided to text Melissa just to let her know we so enjoyed meeting them and looked forward to getting to know their family better. She immediately texted me back to inform me that things had gotten worse since we left – that the power had been shut off and could we get some food delivered to them…. This was when I decided… I was sure… none of it was real… it was all just a scam to get money out of us. (I could write a book about all the things that didn’t line up, but that’s not really the point of this post.) I told her that unfortunately, we couldn’t do anything more but to call our facilitator first thing in the morning because they would be able to help her. She sent me several other texts telling me they wouldn’t help and trying to guilt me. When I didn’t take the bait, she suddenly said the power had come back on.

Just to remind you – there was no one to call as all of this was going on. Our facilitator was closed for the weekend so there was no one available to answer our calls. And our social worker’s office was also closed. So we made the best decisions we could. We ultimately decided that regardless of what happened, we at least did something nice for a family in need. I did call Angel first thing Monday morning and told them what had happened, admitting that I was fairly certain this girl wasn’t even pregnant. To my frustration, they proceeded to tell me that I didn’t know – that she absolutely could be pregnant and that I needed to stay in touch with her and get her to call them. I tried guys – I really did. I kept texting her for several days after that (not sure how she still had the phone since she said her sister would be taking it to Wisconsin with her). She had an excuse for my every request. She claimed they pushed back her due date and that she forgot her updated ultrasound at the doctor’s office. When she asked about us assisting with more groceries I told her she needed to talk to Angel to get set up with a social worker for that… she never did get in touch with Angel and we did not hear back from her after that.

I’m not sharing for pity – I’m sharing for two reasons – to inform and to explain where we are at mentally and emotionally. First – we were prepared for the possibility of a failed adoption – for a mother who would choose to parent. It’s not uncommon to experience 2 or 3 failed matches. However, no one ever informed us that adoption scams exist. We were not prepared or informed on what to look for with scams, and apparently, there were several trademark moves in our situation that are frequently used in these types of scams. We were completely unprotected by our facilitator as they required no proof of pregnancy, and we now realize even more how vulnerable we, as adoptive parents, are. I’m sharing this because I want others who travel this road to be aware of these scams so they can protect themselves as best they can.

Lastly, while we didn’t get to hold these little boys… while they were never even real… they were real to us. We had already embraced them as our own and we were planning for their future. I know for some this won’t make sense. Some will question how we could love babies that didn’t exist. But we’ve been loving babies that were never born for seven years… and this… it felt so close to finally being a reality. It felt so wonderful to have genders and to have names for them. So that blow of discovering it wasn’t real – was devastating. It’s honestly something I try not to think about nor is it something I want to talk about. But now you know… Hopefully, our next update is a happy one…