You know, four or five years ago, I would not have believed you if you told me I’d be one of “those people”… the crazy, Jesus people. I believed in God and Jesus and all that stuff – but I felt like it was more of a far off thing that happened a long time ago. I never thought about how involved God might want to be in my own life… And yet – here we are… I’m all in – as they say. I’m fully committed to this crazy, Jesus-loving life.

Tomorrow will be exactly one year since we surrendered fully to Jesus, and his plan for us. June 14th last year was the day God called us away from IVF. And truthfully, it was not what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to let go of the little control I felt like I had. I didn’t want to give up on conceiving a child – a little being the physical and tangible representation of the love my husband and I have for one another. But when you say you believe in a God that cares deeply about you… when you’ve spent months or years praying for an answer… when God finally does answer – no matter what that answer – I believe you need to listen. So we listened and obeyed – though it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.

And since the time I first shared about it here on the journal – I’ve had many people ask me questions. One of the most common being “how do you know what God wanted from you?”… Honestly, I have such a hard time answering this question. Not because I don’t have an answer but because of what is beneath this question.

See, I find that there is usually one of two reasons people ask me about this experience. The first group are the people who don’t believe God actually spoke to us. And there’s really nothing I can say to them… I’ve heard this tone before and I’ve seen those judging glances. And the vast majority of the time – they’re not looking for answers – they’re just judging me – whether they believe God exists or not. (Because newsflash – there are some Christians who don’t believe God reaches out to us in this way anymore.) I can’t prove that God explicitly spoke to us, but to Ryan and me it was incredibly clear. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I don’t need to convince anyone. I just need to live my life the best way I can. And so – I don’t know how to answer their question.

Now the second group of people are those searching for a personal connection with God, and hoping for insight on how to get their own answers. And for these people – I feel woefully inadequate in providing an answer to their question. I have no idea why God chose that exact moment to speak to us. And if I hadn’t been waiting for His answer – I might not have known we’d received one. I have no real answers. Because there is no step by step guide to hearing God’s voice. I only know what I’ve personally experienced.

But I can be real with you and tell you how God has spoken to me. As I was thinking about all of this – it occurred to me that there are four distinct ways God has reached out to me. So I thought I’d share those with you today.

Little Signs
This is often the way I feel God speaks to me, especially when I was first growing in my relationship with God. I like to think my signal wasn’t very strong yet so this was the only means he had to communicate with me at the time. The first baby related sign God sent me was the silhouette of heron that very closely resembled a stork. This was early in our baby journey and it gave me hope to continue on. As our journey progressed that symbol changed. Through a series of small events – bunnies became our new symbol that God has a plan for our family to grow. On days when the weight feels heaviest or when I question whether or not our sweet child will ever find his or her way to us – God always puts bunnies in my view – usually two – to remind me that I am not forgotten.

Speaking Through Others
Obviously you’ve heard about how God spoke to us through Niki and Kim in my blog post about the day it all changed. In this instance, what we experienced was two people who opened their hearts and minds to God to give him the space to move through them. They prayed spontaneously with whatever words were placed on their hearts and lips in that moment. And they spoke about things that they personally had no knowledge were concerns weighing on our hearts. Have you ever had someone just know something was bothering you or say something you desperately needed to hear? A lot of times I feel that this is God moving through people & reaching out to us… speaking through others.

A Feeling or Idea
Have you ever had an idea pop into your mind and had no idea where it came from? Have you had a pressing need placed on your heart but the desire didn’t feel like your own? This is what I’m talking about here. Now over they years I’ve had to grapple with my mind a bit – learning to separate irrational thoughts from simple ones. I spend a lot of time in my head, analyzing myself and trying to be better. And at this point in my life, I’ve become very good at identifying where my thoughts are coming from.

Now this random feeling or idea has happened to me a couple times. The first was with our adoption… it was a very gentle nudge combined with some signs that led us to believe God had a plan for us there. The second was much more recently. I woke up one morning with an idea in my head – a calling – something that wasn’t my own desire. I had no plans (and I’m a planner) and no real want to do it. But I felt a very strong pressure, a nagging pressure, that this was something I needed to do. There may have even been some internal arguments about it as well.

Actually Speaking
This has only happened exactly once, and it was the most surreal and weird thing I’ve ever experienced. It was early(ish) in the morning and I was in bed… not really asleep, kind of just dozing, relaxing with eyes closed. I suddenly, very distinctly heard my name. I didn’t recognize the voice so my eyes shot open to see who in the world was talking to me… but there was no one there. Ryan had left for work an hour before. It was just me… alone… in our room. But I heard that voice so clearly in my ear. I definitely hadn’t been asleep either. So for me that leaves only one answer.

I’m sure some of this makes me sound super crazy, and that’s okay. I’ve always been a little crazy 😉 Honestly, even though my relationship with God has grown so much deeper over the past couple years – I’m still the same person… just more aware… more thought-ful. I spend a lot of time listening and seeking him. I think about how God would want me to respond to a situation and I try to open myself up to him so that he can move through me too.

So I guess to answer that question – “how do you know what God wanted from you?”…. Because he saw my worries and fears and he spoke to them. Like a good father, he told me the truth – not just what I wanted to hear. And there was a certainty unlike I had felt in our whole infertility process – a certainty that this was not what God wanted for us. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I knew in my heart what I was supposed to do. And he continues to send me little reminders that I’m not forgotten, that I’m on the right road, and that he has a plan for me. That’s how I know. I give him room to speak and live in me. And he can do the same for you! You just have to give him the room and space to speak and dwell in you!