When you open up about something that people have no experience in or don’t understand… you undoubtedly are going to get questions. A lot of questions. There is one question that seems to be incredibly common when you are struggling with infertility. Before we changed directions in our path towards parenthood… I was asked this question many times… sometimes not so kindly. But I think it’s time that we address that question today.

“Why not just adopt?”

To the unknowing… the person who hasn’t struggled with infertility… this may seem like a logical question. But I can tell you with absolute conviction that this is not a logical leap. There is no “just” in adoption. It is a very complicated, difficult, and emotional process. And while the result of both is becoming a parent… there are SO many reasons why adoption is not always the solution and I’m going to try to explain them today.

Expense
Obviously infertility treatments are expensive. We’ve talked about that before. And a lot of times I think people believe that adoption is inexpensive because “there are so many children that need loving homes.” But the truth is – adoption can be just as expensive as fertility treatments if not more so. Of course there are routes that are cheaper, but they are not always the right choice for a myriad of reason I’m not going to delve into today.

Very Few Infants
While it may be true that there are thousands upon thousands of children in this country (and many others) waiting for a loving home, only a fraction of them are available for adoption. And very few of them are babies. In fact, for every 1 infant that is adopted there are 36 hopeful couples waiting to adopt. That is a staggering statistic! And definitely a valid reason why couples might choose fertility treatments over adoption.

Often Longer Wait
Given the above information, it should be no surprise to you that the wait to be matched can be quite lengthy. Fertility treatments frequently cut that wait time significantly… and those who are struggling with infertility have often already been waiting and trying for years.

Uncertainty
People will say, “With adoption you’re becoming a parent to a child who is already here and needs a home, but with (insert fertility treatment) there’s no guarantee you’ll actually get pregnant.” However, the truth is there is just as much uncertainty with adoption as there is with fertility treatments. You could be waiting for years to be matched and never get selected by a potential birth mother. You could be selected by a birth mother and at the last minute she might change her mind and decide to parent. Or if you’re trying to foster to adopt… you may never actually get the opportunity to officially adopt the child you are fostering. Uncertainty exists in all avenues of infertility and adoption.

Another Mother
There’s something you need to understand… and this is the side of it that I feel like people all to often overlook. In order for someone like me to become a mother through adoption… another mother has to make a huge sacrifice. That is no small thing! The average birth mother in the United States is between 28-34 years old and already has 2-3 children. Think about that. These are rarely teenagers. These are women who already have kids. This child is not unwanted. And yet this mother is making a very selfless decision to allow another family to raise her child. It’s not as simple as a child not having a home – they are children who have homes but who’s first moms loved them enough to allow someone else to raise them. And these days, open adoptions are much more common, which means the birth mom is often involved in her child’s life. This is a wonderful thing, but it adds a whole other dynamic to parenthood for adoptive families… It’s just not as simple as suddenly becoming a parent – there is so much more to consider.

Complicated
Let’s not forget the fact that with adoption can come a whole different set of struggles with parenting. You have the balance of explaining to your child that they were adopted and very much loved by not only you but their birth mother. You have the mine field of feelings they might have about their own adoption. If you have an open adoption with the birth mother – you have the concerns of keeping her in the loop and being sensitive to her needs and feelings. If you are a transracial adoptive family – there’s a whole slew of concerns that need to be in your mind. These are all things that you wouldn’t have to worry about if you gave birth to a biological child.

But most importantly…

Adoption is not a CURE
The question “Why not just adopt?” shows a basic misunderstanding of infertility & adoption. Adoption is not a cure for infertility. If adoption is a cure for anything, it is a “cure” for childlessness. Those who struggle with infertility have a desire to be pregnant and breastfeed. They want some degree of control over their child’s intrauterine environment and genetic makeup. They hope to partake in all those fun traditions and experiences like announcing their pregnancy, baby bump pictures, baby showers, bonding with other mothers, etc… They yearn to see pieces of themselves molded and shaped together in this perfect little human formed out of love.

For people like myself, parenthood is more than simply parenting. I have spent years building my pregnancy plan… I have purchased books and e-books on the ways to prepare myself for pregnancy. I had mapped out the ways I would nurture that little human as it grew inside me. I knew how I wanted to give birth and where. I dreamed of Ryan resting his hand on my swollen stomach, feeling our child kick. I’ve dreamed of our children’s faces, every detail clear in my mind. I had so many hopes for that special time in our life.

If you’ve had the privilege – the immense blessing – of experiencing these things …Is it really so hard to understand this simple desire?

My point is this… Adoption is a beautiful and wonderful thing. But adoption is not always the answer to a couple’s infertility struggle. There are so many facets to both infertility and adoption. And to try and simplify it down like this only shows a lack of thoughtfulness and understanding. For those struggling with infertility it’s not as simple as giving a child a home. Nor does it heal the wound in the struggling couple’s hearts. And just like the decision to get married or have children, it is a very personal decision that really is only between the couple and God. So before you ask a couple “Why not just adopt?” please think about what precisely adoption means.