I know that it’s been quite some time since I updated you all on what’s actually going on with our baby journey. To say that the past few months have been a roller coaster ride of highs and lows seems like a massive understatement. There are many reasons for my delay in posting anything concrete. And as I start to explain the past few months I think they will become clear. There’s a lot to share so I’ll be spacing this out over a couple posts. (And if you need a refresher you can find all of my posts about this journey here.)

You may recall back in January I had a procedure to clear my tubes and I was put on medication to help regulate my cycles. Long story short – we discovered that I was going to need a little more help to get my hormones and everything lined up accordingly. But before they would put my body through the strain of additional hormones they wanted to make sure everything looked good on Ryan’s end. And another long story of waiting made very short – it wasn’t good.

Here’s the thing… There are certain things I have come to accept from my life – namely that it’s going to be hard. As an adolescent and teen – I hated myself – how I looked, who I was, and I often felt unloved, rejected, and alone. I struggled a lot through my high school years. I had an unhealthy relationship with food. I worked out all the time. And I silently dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts… Being a teenager was really hard for me. But with the help of a boy I survived my teenage and college years and moved on into married life. We bought a house out in the country that looked fine, but ended up being a money pit. Another period of hard was upon us – this one a financial hardship. There were weeks we only had $6 for groceries. We had to get by on one car and really be careful about how we spent our money. And we were constantly sinking money into a house that had more problems than we could handle. And then, without any warning – the house burnt down. All we had was the clothes on our backs and each other. For 10 months we were “homeless” as our house was being rebuilt. Clearly owning a home has been a hard road for us. And now… after 5 years of trying to have kids… I am finding that this too is going to be hard.

Now I’m not discrediting all the good that happened in there. I’m not forgetting the silver linings and all the blessings at all. I’m well aware of those things, and if you’ve met me – I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about them frequently. I’m just trying to illustrate a point. Because after a year of trying with no success – I assumed this was going to be another one of those hard roads in my life. I assumed we’d have to see a doctor for help. I assumed this wasn’t going to be easy… But I never, ever expected the road would be this hard or this long. I never imagined we would watch everyone around us grow their families while we got left behind.

The simple explanation right now is that Ryan and I both have issues that are hurting our success. A little over two months ago (back in April) – doctors told us that IVF is the only way we will ever be able to have children of our own.  I can tell you that there is nothing more heartbreaking than to have a man sit across from you in a sterile doctor’s office, and tell you that you will never have children on your own. That you are too broken. That you should explore other avenues. And that you should seriously consider whether you ought to pass on your genetic flaws to your offspring. We left that appointment emotionally deflated and crushed by the news.

But Ryan and I have always been very self reliant. We believe in hard work and always striving to move forward. So we immediately made a call to the recommended specialist and were scheduled to meet with him in mid June (over two months away) to discuss our options for our specific situation. Obviously we knew that we were looking at IVF based on our previous results. We also knew that our insurance doesn’t cover fertility treatment in any way, shape, or form. For those of you lucky enough to know nothing about this procedure – IVF is very expensive. Most IVF procedures (without the aid of insurance) can cost between $20,000 and $35,000. Honestly – I had no idea how we’d be able to afford this but I assumed that if this was the plan God had for us – He would provide.

If you’ve read any of my previous posts on this topic – you’ll also know that I have prayed a lot through this journey. About six months ago, I started praying a very specific prayer everyday, sometimes multiple times in a day. I prayed, “God tell me what you want me to do, and no matter how hard it is, I will get right with it, and I will do it.” But in all this time – I had felt no real push or pull in any direction. No guidance towards one choice or another. So we believed we were meant to stay the course. So for two months we’d been carrying the weight of knowing what was ahead and the strain this procedure could put on all aspects of our life.

I’ve promised to be real with all of you about all of this so I’m not going to tell you that everyday was sunshine and rainbows because it wasn’t. Oh my goodness – it was NOT! I found myself struggling more and more… There were many really hard days in those two months. There have been periods of wondering if our story is going to be one that doesn’t have a happy ending. And I still do worry about that. Because nothing is promised to us, and we don’t know what the future holds. There have been some really insensitive things said, and some hard words to hear. I’ve cried many a tear over the past few months. In addition to dealing with my feelings and my thoughts, I also struggled with the physical hurts when my PCOS would flare up. But we just kept moving forward and preparing for the June appointment… until the day that everything changed…

Check back to see the rest of the story very soon!