If you’ve been here for any length of time I’m sure you’ve read my birthday posts over the years. You’ll know I’m not a fan of my birthday – not because I hate aging but because I dislike being the center of attention. The past few years have been hard with the infertility struggle and the waiting. Had life gone according to our plan – we would have had our first child before I was 25, and had plenty of time to grow our family as young parents. Ryan and I have always wanted a big family, though I’m not sure that’s possible now… God had other plans obviously, and that’s okay too.

I was looking back at my old posts, seeing what has shifted and how much has changed. Two years ago I was in a great deal of pain on my birthday. We had just been called away from IVF, I had just found out my brother and sister-in-law were pregnant, and was feeling a lot of hopelessness in our journey. That year was super hard… I knew God was there but I felt so hurt… I was certain that His plan for my life was not what I wanted. I was certain I’d find in time that motherhood wasn’t what He had in store for me.

Then last year I had begun to reach a place of healing. I was starting to find contentment in my life as it was. I had started to find my health again (thanks to Plexus). I was feeling good for the first time in years. I spent my birthday with my nephews because that’s what I wanted… something I wouldn’t have thought I’d be able to do one year prior. And God had placed a purpose on my life and I was doing my best to live it – reaching out to others hurting as I was hurting. Although I had grown in my trust in God and belief in His plan for my life, I still yearned for motherhood.

Now… at 32 years old (as of yesterday)… that elusive thing I had yearned for these past seven years is here! If you had told me at the beginning of this year that it would finally happen for us – I probably would have chuckled a little and told you I was happy you thought so. It just goes to show how suddenly things can change – and our lives certainly changed suddenly.

The 32nd year of life looks like it’s going to be a busy one but a joyful one! I’m finally getting to experience all the joys and challenges of motherhood and it’s wonderful! It’s different than I planned but I’m grateful for that. Finding motherhood this way has shaped my heart in ways that are hard to explain. My trust and faith in God is deeper because of our journey. And I know now how strong I am… how strong our marriage is. I can tell you it’s a different experience to find motherhood this way – to find yourself suddenly in the middle of it… and in the middle of it in a different town, in a different state. You really learn to rely on one another, and honestly in our situation, we certainly relied on God as the pieces fell into place.

I can tell you that I’ve often felt that to be able to create a little life together is to create a physical, tangible representation of your love. And for a long time there was (and occasionally still is) a part of me that is sad to know that we will not have that experience. That there will be no little person physically made from our love for one another – a perfect blend of the two of us. It also makes me sad to imagine that our little one was so hard-won when our love certainly has not been that way.

But then I remember that there is so much more love wrapped up in our story… Certainly the love between me and Ryan to persevere. The overwhelming love we have for our sweet little Marlee. But there’s the immense, sacrificial love of Marlee’s first mom… a love beyond anything I can personally fathom. And the crazy deep love Ryan and I have for her! I never imagined that I would gain not one little love through our adoption story but the love of and for Marlee’s birthmother as well. And of course, we can’t forget the love of a wise and loving Father who brought us all together!

So I’ve decided busy or not, stressful or not…. my 32nd year on earth will be one filled with JOY and LOVE! Because those are the gifts God has granted me. And they are truly better than any gift that could have been purchased.