Disclaimer: Once in a while I have a day where I feel the need to sit and write down thoughts as they pass through my mind. This is how this post was created. I was feeling some things and thinking about the business and the urge to write came over me. I’ve had them saved on my computer for a month or two now – not sure if I was ready to share them. In fact, even now I’m hesitating to hit the publish button because I’m not sure what people will think or how they will react. I share these words not to elicit a response or cause you to pity me or anything like that – I’m sharing them in the hope that you might relate to them on some level. If you are one of those who does – thank you so much for taking the time to read and know that I am here for you! I feel truly blessed to have you beside me on this journey next year. Enjoy!

I know every photographer has a story: “I became a mom and found the joy of photographing my new child” “I’ve always had a camera in hand for as long as I can remember” “My dad loved photography and it inspired me” and on and on. And I suppose I’m really no different. We all have a story that leads us to this precise moment in our lives whether we’re employed, unemployed, single, married, with children or what-have-you.

I could tell you I’ve always loved taking pictures, and it would be true. I bought my first camera when I was in junior high from our local K’s Merchandise before it went out of business. I had been using my mom’s camera to take pictures before that and I saved every penny of my allowance money to finally have my own. I started taking photos for 4H. Every year learning something new, acquiring some new skill, challenging myself to try something different.

I could tell you that my college art classes inspired me, and it would be true too. My professor at ISU encouraged me to think about photography in a way I hadn’t before. The power of story-telling through imagery. The ability to manipulate a photo while the shutter was open and during post processing. It was during this time that I truly fell in love with photography and knew it would always be a part of my life.

I could tell you I knew this was what I wanted to do before I even had my first paying client. That flutter of nerves before the session. The excitement and anticipation. The yearning to create something real and true. Something that reflected more than your standard JC Penny’s portrait. That uncontainable joy during the shoot and after. Knowing that this was what I needed to be doing with my life.

I could tell you all these things… all these true things, and I have. But they aren’t new and they aren’t different. But here’s the truth…. Here’s the reason why I don’t just want, but I NEED to do this. Why I believe I’m called to do this.

I’m an incredibly empathetic person. Not sympathetic. I do mean empathetic – I really do feel other people’s joy and sorrow . I’ve experienced and felt a LOT in my short time on earth. I know what it’s like to wake up in the morning to look in the mirror and to be absolutely disgusted by what you see. To be terrified to eat for fear of putting on weight and exercising for hours on end to eliminate any mistakes you may have made. The feeling of pride that comes from the deep ache of hunger in your gut. I know what it’s like to lie curled up in the fetal position hidden in the back of a closet sobs wracking your body. I know what it’s like to believe no one could love you. To get your hopes up only to have them dashed on the rocks. To put your heart on the line and watch someone stomp on it. I understand the fear and nervousness that come with trying to tell someone you have a problem. That you need help. The hope that they’ll figure it out. The fear that they’ll figure it out. The disappointment when they don’t. I know what it’s like to think about ending it all. That no one would miss you. That the pain would stop. I’ve been there. Believe me, I understand!

While I may no longer be that girl or have her issues – she is still a part of me and as often tends to be the case – I have new cares that have taken the place of those old ones. Like being overly cautious about dieting for fear of reverting back to old habits. Having my feelings hurt because I’m too quick to love others. Watching as all my friends start having families of their own and feeling that twinge of jealousy and disappointment that Ryan and I haven’t been blessed with that yet. Having nights where I cannot sleep no matter how exhausted I am because I’m inexplicably afraid of waking up to a house filled with fire and smoke. Or this… putting myself out there, investing everything I am into this business knowing that there is a definite possibility that it could fail. New concerns, new feelings and worries…

And when I see any one of these things in someone else’s eyes. I feel it with them because I’ve felt it before. When I see someone’s heart breaking – mine breaks with them. When I see that self-loathing – the inability to see one’s own worth and beauty, I am reminded of my own inadequacies. When I see that haunted, emptiness – an invisible wall of protection that’s been put in place. I remember my old walls and my feeble attempts to shield myself from pain. I relive all these things with you. I don’t know how not to. And sometimes I wish I could. But I feel what you feel. And I long to bring you peace, and joy, and love.

Because I’ve been blessed enough to find that. I don’t push my religious beliefs on others but I know God saw me struggling and he knew I needed someone. And he sent me Ryan. When I’d finally given up and decided this was all life was: pain, hurt, disappointment, and eventual death – someone came to me and showed me there was more. That life could be fun. That it was okay to laugh. That someone did care about me. That I could be loved. That i was beautiful. … things that I needed to hear. And when he said them to me – I believed him.

I want to be that person for others. I believe that I’ve been called to this work to help others. Because I feel what you feel. Whether it’s joy or sadness, I feel it and I try to put that into my imagery. To help you see you’re not alone. That life is fun. That you are loved. That you are beautiful and perfect. So that you can believe all these truths too. So that you can find the joy and peace that I have found.

It is this calling that has encouraged me to add a new direction to my sessions next year. In addition to our standard session, it is my hope and dream to provide you with a more YOU centered session. Regardless of whether you already have found peace or if you’re still looking for it, my goal is to take you on a journey … pursuing your emotions and getting in touch with how you feel. A journey for yourself, whether you’re a high school senior, newly engaged couple or a family. It’s an opportunity to discover yourself and share your soul in all it’s beauty and splendor in images that will last forever. A journey with the end goal of finding peace and love and joy.

If you have taken time to read through this whole post, let me start by saying thank you! Thank you for giving me the courage to be brave enough to share this little piece of me, and thank you for encouraging me down this new road! I hope that you will join me in the many new and exciting adventures Green Tree Media will be taking come 2013. Stay tuned for more as it unfolds!

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