I’ve been sitting with this post for a while… trying to decide what to write and how much to share. It would be really easy for me to just focus on the happy side of this holiday – celebrating the mothers in my life. It would be really easy for me to keep my feelings quiet and to myself. But time and time again – I find myself sitting here and feeling called to share the deepest truths of my heart – regardless of how embarrassed I feel about it, regardless of how much I want to keep it locked away. (And believe me – I’d much rather keep it to myself.)

The truth is Mothers Day is easily one of the hardest days of the year for me. You would think that after 4+ years of trying to have kids – that it would get easier. But in all honesty – this year has been the most difficult year so far. If I think about it – it’s probably because this year we simultaneously have answers and don’t have answers. We know some things and not others. I have hope but often feel hopeless. And in the midst of all of these things – another Mothers Day is passing when I am not a mother. And so I felt like I needed to write something about this day and what it means for those of us who long to be called mommy.

So I sat here and I wrote – I wrote an incredibly long post about the joys of motherhood and the things I long to experience. I wrote about how hard going to Sunday services at church can be on Mother’s Day for those struggling to start a family of their own. I poured out the reality of the heartache that is Mother’s Day for the 1 in 8 couples who struggle with infertility. And then I stared at this long post, I sent my thoughts to my dearest friend, and I wondered if it was too much…

See sharing this stuff is like a double edged sword. Because as I’ve discovered from what I’ve been sharing – there are so many of you who relate to this struggle and long to hear other people feel the same way. And helping you feel less alone – in turn makes me feel less alone and broken – and that is a wonderful thing! There is nothing more amazing than being able to connect with and help one another! But then there are those who read these words and think that I’m just broken and distraught – and then they become afraid to interact with me. Afraid of hurting my feelings or what is “appropriate” to say. And that can make this whole thing even harder. Because I’m really not that fragile.

So I spent several day thinking and praying for the right words to say, trying to decide what the focus of this post should be. The past couple years – I’ve shared the idea that we, women, are all mothers in our own ways. That motherhood takes on many forms, and that any woman who nurtures or creates in any fashion – is, in her own way, a mother. So really Mothers Day is a celebration of all women! And I still believe that.

But I started thinking about why Mothers Day tends to be so hard for those of us who are not yet mothers. Because I’m not mad at those who have kids. I love you and your children! I adore your families! I’m not jealous or angry at you for your ability to create life. Your ability to have kids in no way helps or hinders our ability to have kids. In fact, I’m overjoyed for all those who get to embrace motherhood and get to be celebrated on Mothers Day.

It was after sitting with this a while that I began to understand. When you’re walking down this road of infertility – the focus is so often on attaining the end goal. You have doctors appointment after doctors appointment. You have pills to take and injections to do. You are poked and prodded and examined again and again. You change your whole lifestyle to increase your odds. Even love making is scheduled for the optimal time to conceive. Your whole life ends up revolving around and getting wrapped up in trying to make this thing happen. It’s not that your selfish, and it’s not a “me-centric” thing – it just tends to be the nature of how this works. And it ends up consuming your life and you start to define yourself as “the broken, expectant mother.” And that is what makes Mother’s Day hard.

So those of you who are walking this road with me. Just stop for a minute. Seriously. Stop. I want you to put that all aside for a minute and let’s talk about you. Because, as I was reminded by my amazing friend, I am so much more than that. She told me “I don’t see you as the broken, expectant mother. I see you as Stephanie, the bad ass.” And it got me thinking about all the things that I am, instead of focusing on the one thing I am not. Because I am creative and compassionate. I am hard working and stubborn. I’m a fierce friend, and even fiercer for family. I’m loyal to a fault. I’m strong in my faith, but growing stronger in it every day. I’m a photographer, a sister, a wife, a dog owner, a teacher, a writer, a thinker, a daughter, a friend, a believer, … I am SO many things, and you are too!

You are strong. You are beautiful. You are compassionate and nurturing. You do hard things on a daily basis. And you should celebrate that! I really do want you to make a list and share it with me. I want to see all the things that make you amazing, written here for the world to see. Whether you are struggling with infertility or not. It’s time we all took some time to focus on the good in ourselves. And I’m not saying that I didn’t have hard moments during Mothers Day weekend because that would be a blatant lie. And I’m not saying that if you do this – it will make everything better. But what I am saying is that taking that time to remind yourself throughout the day when you are feeling low – of all the good – can be hugely helpful!

Because we need to stop focusing on what we are not. And we need to stop letting the “nots” define us. We need to be kinder to ourselves. We need to remember how our friends see us. And as hard as it is, we need to be better about not letting this brokenness consume us. We need to make space in our lives to remember the things we are great at. And we need to make time to pursue those things and really allow ourselves to be happy in those moments. After all – there are 365 days in a year – and only one of them is about being a mother.

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I also need to give a shout out to all the amazing ladies who were kind enough to send me little messages of encouragement yesterday. I cannot even begin to tell you how much your kind words and thoughtfulness meant to me. You added bright spots to what was a very difficult day – and for that I am eternally grateful!!!