I know it’s been quite a long while since the last time I shared anything about our adoption journey here, and that’s for a couple reasons. First, because aspects of it have been too hard to write about; and second, because in general there hasn’t been much to report. The way domestic infant adoption works – you do all this work to prove that you’ll be good parents. You provide info to your agency or facilitator, and take a ton of classes, and then you just wait. So that’s what we’ve been doing. We’re waiting.

And while the break from constantly thinking about it has been in many ways healing for me… it has also been a really long hard year with no good news. Just numbers that honestly don’t mean much. I can tell you that this wait is not without its pain. In a lot of ways, this is way more terrible than the waiting and heartache of infertility treatments. At least with treatments, there was something to do, something to work towards, something to plan for. But with adoption – it’s literally just waiting. Waiting for a potential birth mom to view our profile and choose us as the parents for their child. And that is a whole other topic entirely.

Here’s what I can tell you – the end of October through December was very difficult for us. It was my busy season for the business and some things happened that were incredibly hard and upsetting. And because of the level of work I had going on – I didn’t really have the time I needed to process it at the time. I had several mornings where I had to work through ongoing panic attacks (which let me tell you – are the worst!) because of things completely out of my control. But we survived and we’re pushing forward and we’re trying to be more proactive with our adoption journey in 2017.

But there are some things I want to say because honestly – I’m tired. It’s been almost seven years since we started this journey to grow our family and it’s been about three since I started sharing openly about it. And there are some things that I really just need a break from. They are draining me emotionally and I know that you – my friends – don’t want that for me. So here we go…

Please don’t post things like “it’s the season of miracles” or “I have a feeling it’s going to happen this month” on my Facebook page. I know that those of you who are writing these things do so because you think it’s encouraging. But at this point – it’s really, really not. For two and a half years we’ve been having people say this to us – month after month – and our arms continue to remain empty. I believe in miracles and have faith in God so it’s easy for me to place my hope in these thoughts. But do you have any idea how upsetting it is to have believed these words… every time… for two and a half years and still have our hopes unfulfilled? Truthfully, it’s devastating. We want you to hope for us… we need you to hope for us… with us. But there’s a separation between – “I hope it happens for you soon” and “I have this feeling it will happen for you soon.” One admits that you don’t know, the other implies that you do. And none of us know when or if we’ll have be blessed with a child.

One of the biggest downsides to being so open about our life is that everyone seems to have an opinion on what we “should” be doing. Yes. We know fostering is cheaper. Yes. We know older children need homes too. Yes. We know there are other ways to grow our family. Believe me… we’ve researched them all. We’ve prayed about them all. And we made our decision based on where we felt most called to go and what made the most sense for our family. No – this hasn’t worked out the way we planned or hoped, but we’re making the best of a difficult situation. Also – please know – we are SO grateful when people send us leads on possibilities that present themselves. That is NOT what I’m talking about here. It’s when people randomly comment on our page that we should be doing this or that instead or when people send us private messages criticizing our choices and judging us for them – without really knowing us, our situation, or even having an actual conversation with us. That’s just exhausting to deal with day after day and we’ve been receiving this kind of commentary for years now.

Okay so this last one… I’ve been trying to figure out how to word this… But look… Generally – I could care less about what anyone else thinks about us. But this process – it changes that. We have to care. We have to care about what a potential mom thinks when she looks at our picture. We have to care about how we’re perceived. We’re basically a product and we’re hoping someone will be able to see through nothing more than our picture and some words that we are good, loving people who will take exceptional care of a child.

Having gone a whole year with no one really choosing us automatically makes you question what these women are seeing. You begin to compare yourself to the other hopeful adoptive parents and you question why you’re not being chosen. Do we look too young? Do we look too old? Are we not affluent enough? Do we not travel enough? Is our house not big enough? Do we not live in the right place? Are we not interested in the right things? And on and on…

So when a person, someone who is close to you, decides it’s a good idea to suggest that you don’t look like parent material – that hurts! We’re already thinking all of these things simply because of the nature of this process, but to have someone we love and care about question that only exacerbates the fears we already have. When someone we love tells us we don’t look good enough – it makes us believe it might actually be true. Because it’s one thing for a complete stranger to think that – but something else entirely when loved ones say it. (And yes – this is exactly why Ryan cut his hair. Because of things people said about us.)

I like to think that I’m not a super sensitive person. I’m not easily offended and I’m pretty good at reading the intentions behind what people say. But this process is hard and awful and it’s ripped me apart in ways I never imagined. We have no promises, no guarantees. We may come out the other side of this two-year contract with significantly less money and no child in our arms. Personally, I’m trying to find a way to be okay with the very real possibility that my hopes, my desires, may not be realized because it may not be God’s plan for my life. I love him and I know he loves me – but that doesn’t mean I get everything I want just because I try to do what he asks of me. That’s not how faith works. That’s not how relationships work. That’s not how love works.

I’m not asking people to tiptoe around me  – that wouldn’t be fun for any of us! I definitely don’t want you to be afraid to talk to me or afraid to ask questions either. I’m just sharing these three things that are proving emotionally exhausting for me right now – to help you understand where I am at and what you can do to help. And I promise I’ll try to do better about sharing what’s going on. I’ll try to write, even when there’s nothing fun or exciting to report. And I promise if we have news, when we’re ready, we’ll share it. Just know that we are doing the best we can and we’re always seeking serenity and direction from God as we continue on.