I read a post on Facebook last week. It was on the page for an individual with a rather large following who speaks about mental health and real life struggles. I started following this person because I have several friends who have shared her posts and I’ve always enjoyed them. However, after reading one of her recent posts, I chose to promptly unfollow and I would like to take a minute to explain why.

This person began her post with “dear people without kids.” Her post was a letter about why people without children should not offer parenting advice. And I’ll be real – I get it. If you post something on facebook that says “hey mom friends – what kind of laundry detergent are you using?” or “hey mom friends – who is your pediatrician?” Your friends without kids probably aren’t going to have as reliable or helpful insights as your friends who have kids. Also, it can be incredibly frustrating to have someone without kids give you advice because it makes you feel like they are saying you’re a bad mom. But while I understand her sentiment, I feel that it was approached very poorly.

Like I just mentioned… I know that because I don’t have kids I cannot fully understand what it is like to parent a child. I know that the ideas I have now about parenting may very well change when we do have a child. I personally choose to not tell my friends with kids that they’re doing things wrong or how to be a better parent. And I certainly don’t offer suggestions to acquaintances or strangers. But I care about my friends and I’m interested in them and want to be a part of their lives. I want to know what they have tried; what has worked; What hasn’t worked… because I care. And if by some rare chance I do have something that might be helpful, I may offer it up as something I’ve read or heard might help. But that is genuinely a very rare occurrence & something I would only do with my close friends. The Facebook poster said that me doing this is wrong, offensive, and ignorant.

But is it not also wrong for people who have never experienced infertility, miscarriage, or the adoption process to tell me what I should be doing? Should they be telling me what I’m doing wrong because we can’t get pregnant, even though they’ve never had PCOS or infertility issues? Should they be telling me that I’m going about our adoption journey wrong when they have no personal experience with it? I have been offered a slew of advice from people I don’t know, who have no idea what our personal situation is, what any of this feels like, or any actual personal experience with anything we’re going through. And while it can be incredibly frustrating, hurtful, and rude, I’ve tried to never make anyone feel bad about it or taken to Facebook to berate people. Instead, I’ve tried to do my best to educate on how to be more supportive and to try and help others understand our situation better.

But that wasn’t where my frustration ended. Because then I made the dumb decision to read the comments. I began to read them because I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t simply being overly sensitive. But what I found was that I was not alone in my frustrations about this post. I found many other women who were childless not by choice who were upset at what was said. There were also many women who have had multiple miscarriages and while they don’t have babies here on earth they are absolutely mothers! What I also found disgusting was the number of hateful responses to those who were trying to explain why this was so hurtful to them. (Please bare in mind… they weren’t hurt about being told they shouldn’t offer advice. They were upset because of the harshness of the post.) One woman told her heartbreaking story of multiple late-term miscarriages. She poured out her heart hoping to share her perspective in an honest and trusting way. However, she was met with multiple replies of “I’m sorry this happened to you, but you are in NO way a mother. You’ve never actually had to care for child. You have no actual motherly experience.” Anyone who tried to explain their perspective as a childless not by choice woman was met with negativity and hate.

There are so many reasons I find this upsetting. This page is dedicated to educating and creating community around mental health and seeking help and understanding from others. Instead, I saw hate and division. I saw on Facebook what I see and feel on a daily basis. I saw the lack of support for a community of women (and men) who need it in a world that often makes them feel like outcasts. In words, I saw what I see in places like church. Mothers all grouped together to talk about their children and those without are left on their own. Mothers have so many different mom groups both in the church and in the community. But you rarely see such groups for those who are unable to become mothers but desperately want to. And what I didn’t see, was any explanation, correction, or comfort supplied by the original poster towards those who were hurt by her words. Instead, she simply deleted the post after several hours and many negative comments, as if it never happened.

So here’s the deal – I’m one of those people who is hard-wired to seek other people’s perspectives striving to understand  their individual worlds. I’m a very empathic person and I try to be compassionate and encouraging to those around me. I know that I’ll never understand what it’s like to be black or any non-caucasian race. I know that I can’t fully comprehend what it’s like to be a mother or what it’s like to attain things easily, or to be homeschooled, and so on. I can only fully understand my personal life experiences, and that is true for everyone. But I can try to gain a better understanding. I can ask questions, real questions, hard questions. I can listen and try to see a different point of view. I can take what I learn and I can use these new insights to be thoughtful, open-minded, and open-hearted to the struggles of others. I can choose not to judge but rather to be encouraging. I can open myself up to be uncomfortable in order to understand someone else’s life and pain. And hopefully, continue to grow and be more thoughtful and understanding of those I may come in contact with.

These are choices, we all can make. The choice to live in our own little bubble of narrow-mindedness, negativity, and ignorance. Or the choice to allow ourselves to be open-minded, supportive listeners. Because deep down, don’t we all just want to be understood, accepted, and embraced? Don’t we want to feel supported and loved at least by those closest to us? We’re allowed to have our struggles and to vent – just be aware of who you’re venting to, and how and what you are saying. Bruises may fade, but words… they can last forever.