I realize I haven’t written anything about our Baby Journey in a while. It’s hard to share when there’s really nothing new to report. And it is one of the hardest parts of this whole process… the waiting… Always the waiting. When you’re not waiting to actually be pregnant, you’re waiting in doctors’ offices, waiting for test results, waiting to find out what the next step is, … waiting, waiting, waiting.

And that’s just the straight forward waiting. There are so many things I find myself waiting for or on during this process. Some days I’m waiting to see if I’m going to feel sick today. The medicine I’m on doesn’t always leave me feeling 100% if I don’t follow the necessary diet for my PCOS perfectly. Hurray for feeling all the pleasantness of morning sickness without the joy of a child to make it all feel worthwhile.

Of course one of the most common forms of waiting for me and all my childless compatriots occurs while perusing social media. You hop on to check a notification (because that darn little number on the app drives you bonkers) and as you prepare to scroll through your feed you notice you’re holding your breathe. You are bracing and waiting for that twinge of pain to hit you with that first pregnancy announcement, those newborn photos, those kid statuses.

Some days you find yourself trying to remember what it was like before all this waiting. What was it like to just live? To not have to plan your whole life around this planning and waiting, planning and waiting? Some days you wonder if you’ll ever get to a point where you aren’t waiting….

And then there are the really bad days when you just can’t seem to shake it and you can’t hide from the tears anymore. You quit waiting for them to come and just let them flow. As you allow yourself to feel your pain and let it go – the only thing you wait on is the gasp for breathe between each sob… for the slowing of the tears… then you clean yourself up and move ever on towards the waiting.

So the reality is that right now we’re waiting… on all those things… but predominantly on test results and what to do next. And to be honest – I’m trying to enjoy this waiting… in all it’s awful and simultaneous wonderfulness. I’m trying to glean whatever lessons God has planned for me in all of this because I know there’s a reason for this even if I’m too small to see it right now.

And I know… I absolutely, positively know… that I am being inexplicably blessed in this process of waiting and struggling and moving ever forward. I have an amazing friend on the west coast that I feel so exceedingly blessed to have in my life. Her friendship and support during this process has been amazing and I love her dearly (even if we’ve only met in person once). I have an incredible support system in my family and friends. And some very special stories about touching surprises and friends I’ve never met that I’m going to share in the near future, but they deserve some extra attention so I want to give them their own journal entry.

My point is – while this process is not easy. While every day Ryan and I deal with the heartbreak of this process. I know that I am incredibly lucky. I have so many of you praying for us and that brings me so much peace and strength – you truly have no idea. I have amazing friends and family, and I know that eventually this will happen for us. Whether it’s a child of our own or a child God guides into our life. One day we’ll be parents. And those little positive things, those little positive thoughts – those are what I choose to focus on. So thank you all, my amazing readers, for being the positive light in my (our) life right now, and know that you are what help get us through the highs and lows of this journey.