As always – I try to keep things real with you guys as I’ve shared the ups and downs of this journey. So you know that I don’t always handle things well. Sometimes I have bad days. Days that it takes everything in me to get through the day without breaking down and crying in public. And that’s okay. Grief and sorrow are a part of life that we all experience.

I have been slow to share this story with you all because… well I don’t know why. I think part of me is always a little hesitant to share what I consider the little God moments. Partly because I don’t know what other people are going to think and how they are going to respond. We certainly had some mixed responses from people when we explained that we were not going to be pursuing IVF because God told us that wasn’t the path He had in mind for us. But I also think that I’m slow to share because a part of me likes feeling like those little moments are mine. I feel like these little hints and signs – they are His gifts to me and sometimes it’s nice to feel like they are wholly my own. Sometimes I just want to hang onto them and cherish them and hold them close on days when it all seems so impossible and unfair.

But I realize that’s selfish. The gifts He gives me are not really mine alone. He gives them to me as moments of hope – yes – but He gives them to me to share with you too. Whether these moments from my life… our life… bring you hope or if they paint a picture for you of what this journey is like. Or maybe they help you see who He is… at least who He is proving Himself to be to me. Whatever the reason… I know that it’s not right for me to keep any of this to myself even if it sometimes scares me to write these things….

Sundays are often hard days for me. I love my church family. I love taking part in the message and service. And I love spending time with my friends. But church in general is sometimes a difficult place for me to be. With a young congregation – there are pregnant women everywhere I turn. They often gather together in the back of the church in a little group and gab. I sit with my gaze determinedly fixed on the front of the church trying to keep my mind off of what’s going on behind me. See, as much as I want to be there … it is also the place where I am most reminded of what I don’t have and how I don’t get to belong among them… as a mother. At this point, I am the only woman in my church walking the path of infertility and it often feels like a very lonely road.

It was a few weeks ago now. On another one of those hard Sundays. I actually did pretty well at the church service. I only had a couple moments where I had to swallow back my feelings. It was actually after the service when I had a harder time. When a couple girls were chatting and listing off everyone at church who is currently pregnant… listening to that list… knowing that my name isn’t on it… that it may never be on it… I just couldn’t do it anymore… I had to step outside. I found a quiet spot sitting on my friends’ back patio. Eyes closed. Taking deep breaths. Feeling the wind blow across my face. Listening to the leaves rustling in the trees. I could feel the tears sitting right behind my eyes… but they simply lingered there unwilling to come forward.

As I was sitting there I felt compelled to text my friend, Kim, from church. Honestly… I felt dumb reaching out to her, but as I was sitting there alone in the back yard – I was just feeling so hopeless… it was the only thing I could think of to do. So I messaged her and asked her if when God spoke to her about us – did she get any feelings about whether or not Ryan and I were meant to have children of our own or not. Being the amazing, wonderful woman that she is – Kim messaged me back immediately and we chatted for a while. She shared some Scriptures with me – Romans 8:11, John 16:13, John 10:27, & Ephesians 1:17 and we talked about my thoughts and feelings. One of the last things I told Kim was “that for five years we’ve been praying, trying to learn more about Him and what He wants for our lives. And though we’ve been trying – here we still are. I don’t know what that says about us I guess… But I’ll keep praying and trying.”  And then Kim said words that I know I needed to hear….

“Let’s add trust in with the trying… Now that you’ve publicly laid down your ‘trying’ you’re left with trusting. So revisit the idea of Him speaking to you and revealing to you by replacing your trying with trusting.”

Think about it – What do we call it when a couple starts actively pursuing having children… Trying to conceive. We’re trying to have kids. And for five years – Ryan and I have done a whole lot of trying. Trying to get pregnant. Trying to find answers. Trying to fix ourselves. Trying to understand. Try. Try. Try. And Kim… Kim reminded me that I need to pull away from all the trying and FOCUS on the TRUSTING.

So as I was sitting in the backyard, I put down the phone I closed my eyes and I started talking to God. I don’t remember what all I said to Him. But I do remember ending with “I am admitting that You have all the control. I’m going to let go of the trying and focus more on trusting you.” As I opened my eyes and looked out into the yard a little brown rabbit hopped into my view, stopped and looked at me…. And the tears finally broke loose. There was no holding them back now. I sat in the back yard looking at that rabbit as it looked back at me and just sobbed… tears unapologetically rolling down my face… and a minute later another rabbit further out into the yard hopped into view and also stopped and stared at me…

I realize that for many of you that may not have much significance but if you read my previous post about a Symbol of Hope… you may understand why that sight brought me to tears. (The short version – one of our symbols of hope in our home is a little stuffed bunny. You can read the full post about why here.) I know that there are many people who will see that as coincidence or no big deal. But I don’t believe in coincidences. I know what I saw that day and I know the feelings that washed over me. Guys – they were strong! I don’t cry in front of people… like ever. And granted – there was no one outside with me, but someone could have walked out at any moment. This wasn’t my normal “I’ve been strong for too long” kind of cry either… this was different. I don’t know for certain what I felt… maybe it was hope… that hope I’m so afraid to let myself feel…

Once I could see through the tears again, I messaged Kim to tell her what had happened. She messaged me back right away and sent me a link to a wikipedia page that informed me that a “Rabbit Test” was a type of pregnancy test administered in 1931. How strange that I was drawn to that little toy bunny back in April. How amazing that two bunnies appeared to me that day when I was feeling completely and utterly hopeless. And how wonderful that I felt the push to reach out to a friend who could add another layer of meaning and comfort to these little God moments.

Do I believe God sent those little bunnies to me for encouragement? Yes! I absolutely do! Do I  know exactly what the significance of those bunnies is? No. Of course not. I believe God sent me those bunnies to remind me to hope. Because honestly – sometimes I’m afraid to hope. It hurts too much. Every month to get hopeful that this month… this month will finally be the month. To only be brutally let down when yet again… I am not pregnant. It’s easier, safer, less hurtful to not hope. So even though I know it’s going to hurt… even though I know how it feels month after month… I’m going to focus on trusting Him and hoping for the future.