It’s Christmastime… which is my absolute favorite holiday, but to be completely honest – I’m just not feeling it this year. Maybe it’s because it doesn’t look or feel like Christmas outside. It’s really hard to get in the Christmas spirit when it’s a mild 50-60 degrees outside and not a hint of snow. Maybe it’s because we’re not really doing gift exchanges in our families this year because everyone’s finances are a little tighter. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had time to put up a single Christmas decoration. But that’s all superficial stuff.

I think… I’m just exhausted… Mentally, emotionally, physically. This past summer through fall and into winter have been incredibly busy for Green Tree Media, which is wonderful! I’m exceedingly thrilled to have each and everyone of my clients! You make my days better – truly you do! But in addition to the 60/70/80 hour work weeks, we’ve been working on all our adoption stuff since August and it’s taken quite a bit of time and energy too. Plus, it’s holiday season so that means an absurd number of family get-togethers to attend. For Thanksgiving this year we had four events to attend, and we’re going to have six Christmas events this year as well. And we do all of this to keep everyone else happy. Because for me as an introvert, all these social gatherings are incredibly draining. I actually get physically ill if I don’t give myself the time and space to recharge between events. And to be honest – I haven’t really gotten the time I need to recovery from anything this fall. But on top of all of that – this is our fifth Christmas without a child of our own… and that makes this time of year SO much harder.

Every year around this time, I see a slew of the infertility groups share blog posts about the holidays and infertility. And I’ll admit that I’ve read a lot of them. Some are written “to the girl with a baby on her Christmas list”… which I hate. Because I don’t believe that babies should be viewed as things or commodities. I get the intent but it really rubs me the wrong way. I’ve read other ones that are to the family of someone struggling with infertility on how to be kind to them. And I’ve read posts about how to cope during the holidays. I have this tendency to read these things hoping to find one that I can whole-heartedly agree with… you know that moment where you just want to yell and point at your computer screen, “This! This is exactly it!” But I don’t really feel like any of them have expressed what I need to say or what I need to hear about this particular topic. So I’m going to try in the hopes that some of you will feel less alone and others of you might understand what your loved ones experience this time of year.

Let’s start simply: Thanksgiving… Christmas – these are two incredibly intensely family-oriented holidays. All the festivities surrounding these holidays center around family and family traditions like baking cookies, Santa bringing gifts, putting up a Christmas tree together, just spending time together as a family. And for the couple who wants nothing more than to grow their family, this time of year can be very difficult for a few reasons.

First of all, on the most ordinary of days, the woman struggling with infertility is always thinking about babies or children in one way or another. She has pills to take, cycles to track. Is today a peak day? Did I take my BBT or try the OPK today? Maybe she has injections she’s taking to increase her hormones for better odds of conception. There are a thousand things the hopeful woman is keeping track of and it means her mind is always thinking about it (whether it’s in the forefront or the back of her mind).

Now take that same woman and put her in a situation where everything is about family…  Santa out at the mall with a line full of children. Mom’s shopping for toys at your local store. Commercials on TV of families baking cookies together or going sledding. Heck, even the reason for the season… a baby, Jesus, is born to a virgin. It’s hard for the couple struggling with infertility not to feel less in the midst of all these things during the Christmas season.

Let’s go a step further. Take that same woman. The one who is so hopeful to one day have a child of her own. The one who is being bombarded by the “family holiday” idea. The one who has spent Christmas after Christmas hoping next year to have a little one in her arms. Now put her in a room full of her extended family… Where tensions can run high and things can feel uncomfortable in the best of circumstances. There are cousins getting pregnant for the second or third time. There are perfect little humans running around everywhere, joyful and excited about the holiday fun. And everything is about the kids and their families. And our lone couple must put on a happy face while being constantly reminded of how they don’t fit into this scene and how very alone they are in this within their family.

Let’s not forget. They don’t have just one family function to attend, but several. They have his family and her family. They have extended family gatherings for both sides too. And perhaps they haven’t shared with their families about their struggle with infertility. Perhaps they journey on in silence about their personal strife. In which case – there is often the issue of family asking the dreaded question… “So when are you two finally going to start having kids?” Or if they have shared… they may have to deal with unsolicited advice of what they should be doing differently from people who have no real idea what they are talking about.

Christmas is several days of an onslaught of activities and conversation and traditions and stories that all center around family and children. And for the couple who want nothing more than to grow their family – this can be a difficult, stressful, and depressing time. It’s exhausting and heartbreaking. And as someone who has been waiting for a baby to bless our lives for five years – I can tell you that it gets harder and harder every year.

If you’re on this road of infertility with me – I want you to know – it’s okay to not be okay. You are allowed to have your feelings. You’re allowed to be sad. Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean you HAVE to be happy. Just because it’s inconvenient for everyone else doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to fall apart. If you need to skip the gatherings this year or limit them – you are allowed to do that. You are allowed to care for yourself, you brave beautiful people.

And if you are the loved one of someone struggling with infertility – be kind. Be patient. Be compassionate. Realize that their struggle isn’t about you. It’s about them. And sometimes all they might need is space. Space to heal. To find peace. To feel safe. If they choose to limit their time with you over the holidays – it’s not because they don’t love you. It’s simply that they are tending to their wounds. Again – it’s not about you – it’s about them and what they need. And if you know they are having a hard time but they are still planning on attending your festivities – maybe take a minute to ask them if there’s a way you can alleviate some of that tension for them.

There is honestly a lot more I could say about all of this but I hope I’ve illustrated a little bit about why this time of year can be so difficult. I hope that loved ones might be more thoughtful and compassionate towards those struggling. And I hope that those of you on this road of infertility with me will be able to find a way to take care of yourself this holiday season. I love you! And I’m here for you! And we’ll get through this heartache together!