1. You don’t have to have the answers
Sometimes all we need is to talk. We need to talk to another girl – because let’s be real – our husbands mean well, but they do not understand how crazy our body’s are… Heck a lot of times we don’t either. Sometimes we just need to tell someone how unpleasant these procedures are and how you’re sick of sitting in the doctor’s office or you’d just like to go two weeks without being touched.  You can even admit that you’re not sure what to say or do, but you want to do something, if you can. We will so appreciate the listening ear and the open dialogue.

2. Don’t assume we don’t want to hear about your pregnancy
While it can be incredibly painful to hear about a new pregnancy, we don’t want to be left out of the loop or be made to feel different (or bad) for our struggle. (Trust me – we feel bad enough all on our own.) We love you and we want to be a part of your life! So keeping your new pregnancy a secret is far more hurtful to us. Instead give us the news of your pregnancy in a way that allows us privacy for our initial reaction – email is probably best. That way we can process our personal feelings and then have nothing but happiness for you!

3. Include us in your kids’ lives and activities
Sure it can be hard because we don’t have our own kiddos, but most of us want to hear about your kids’ latest activities or new developments. We may not have our own babies, but to be an Aunt to your kids can be hugely healing for us. And honestly, sometimes we want to live vicariously through you! Even if it’s only a few hours it’s fun to experience life with kids in those moments with you.

4. Can we talk about something else too?
There is a line to the amount of kid conversation we can handle too, and it’s different for everyone. Sometimes we have bad days and hearing about the cutest thing little miss Jennifer did is not going to help us. So be aware of what kind of mood we may be in. In turn – we also need to be aware that maybe you don’t want to talk about kids for a good hour. You want to feel like Cindy and not “mom” for a little bit. So let’s talk about our dreams, hopes, goals, hobbies, beliefs and all the other stuff too!

5. We may need space…
Sometimes we have bad days. Maybe we went to the doctor and had a disheartening result. And maybe this whole process is just wearing on us. We might not want to talk for a couple days. Or we might not be able to come to your baby shower or your kid’s birthday. Know that it isn’t because we don’t love you or even that we don’t want to be there. We just simply can’t be there that day. We’d rather not be a bawling wreck in the corner of the kitchen while Michael opens presents at his fourth birthday. We’d rather you enjoy that with people who are going to be able to be fully present on that special day, and we’ll find a way to celebrate that with you and Michael later.

6. Our “Mom Status” does not define us
To the world I am a childless wife, but I am so much more than that. I am a photographer, an artist, a writer, a wife a sister, a daughter, a friend… My amazing friend, Laramie is a mom to a beautiful little girl, but she is also an incredibly talented artist, videographer and hardworking employee. She is so much more than just Poppy’s mom! And someday her daughter is going to look at all her mom did and be amazed and inspired. I have friends who don’t want kids. They are focused on their careers and they want to have the freedom that comes from not having children. And that is beautiful and perfect for them! They’re super successful and they are happy with their lives. And I have other friends who’s whole world revolves around their children. Whether or not we have children our “mom-related status” does not define us. So those of us struggling with infertility cannot use our friends with kids to live vicariously through them. Those women who’s world revolves around their children cannot force ours to revolve around them too. We all need to respect each other’s lifestyles and choices and not define each other by our mommy-dom.

7. Be considerate of each other
When my good friend Sarah got pregnant she sent out a message to her photographer friends to share the news and see about getting some of us to help on her already booked weddings. Well… in that moment I was a terrible a friend. I saw the facebook message and immediately started getting inundated with messages of congratulations and I couldn’t handle it. So without a word I left the conversation. Now Sarah realizing what had happened and being the amazing person she is, messaged me and apologized. She didn’t even think about our situation and was mainly thinking about finding photographers she trusted to take care of her clients. Of course, I apologized too and explained I was super happy for her – I just couldn’t handle all the messages and I acted abruptly. I had made a poor choice in that moment by immediately defending my fragile emotions instead of congratulating first and then leaving the conversation. But because we are friends and we know we both have each other’s best interests at heart – we saw where we were both coming from and there were no hard feelings. Sarah was compassionate towards me and I was genuinely happy for her.

While all these pointers may seem pretty straight forward, these are all areas I see problems arise in when you try and stay friends with people who’s mom-status changes. The long and short of it is that we all just need to step back and realize none of our friends mean to hurt us. We all care about each other. Sometimes we just get wrapped up in our own life and forget to see the other side – your side. But being aware of how we all feel is the best way to be sure that everyone feels valued as a person without making our mommy status define us.