I know I haven’t really shared any updates here on our baby journey. And honestly, it’s because we don’t really have any news to share. I wish when people asked me about it that I had something interesting to tell you or some positive thing to say, but really we’re just back to waiting… and this is a completely different kind of waiting…

You see, when we were trying to conceive, we at least had things to do – doctors appointments to go to, pills to take, things to track, procedures to get done. And there was some tiny sense of accomplishment in that. There was a vague idea of progress occurring even if you had nothing to show for it. And it gave me something to say when people asked how things were going. I could tell them what new procedure we had coming up or what medication I was on. I can talk about our various options looking ahead and everything we’d already been through. And truthfully there was at least some feeling of control over your situation. The things to do give you purpose and make you feel like you’re in charge even if you don’t actually have control over the outcome.

But this waiting is different. We have no idea when or if we will ever be chosen to be parents. We are in a list of I don’t know how many other hopeful couples or families waiting to adopt. And though all our friends and family know that we would be good parents… sometimes I doubt that we really hold up when sitting next to the other options.

If you look at the other families you’ll see doctors and lawyers and teachers and CEOs. You’ll see couples who vacation every year to fun locations. You’ll see people who live in big houses in the suburbs of big towns, where there are lots of activities and things to do. You’ll see couples who were adopted themselves or who’ve always wanted to adopt children. They have photos of their families in fun places and on trips. There is so much these people can provide to a child.

And then you look at our profile. We are financially quite comfortable, but we certainly aren’t wealthy. I’m a self-employed artist and Ryan has only some college for his job as a designer. We have no other children for a new child to grow up with. We don’t live in a big diverse city, but in a quiet little town in a modest home. Neither of us was adopted nor did we start off with plans to adopt. And I can’t even pretend to tell you the last time Ryan and I actually got to go on a “real” “just for us” vacation.

On paper… next to the other families… I don’t know that we really stand out or appear exceptional. Because these are mothers who are hoping to give their child a better life than they can… and we can’t promise the moon and all the stars. So it leaves me feeling totally vulnerable and at the mercy of God, the universe, and the birthmothers who look at our profile. … because we’ve been viewed many times, but not yet been chosen.

When I start focusing on all the things we are not, I try to remind myself of all things we are. And that is a much more promising list.

We have a lot of passions & would encourage our child in their own passions.
Sure we’re nerds. We like geeky things like Doctor Who, Lord of the Rings, comic books, and art. But we both believe that children should have the room to express and define themselves. If they want to paint, we’ll get them set up with whatever they need. If they want to play sports, we’ll be their biggest (and probably loudest) fans. Our child will be encouraged in any interest that inspires them.

I have a job that will allow me to stay home and be present with my children.
We might not have a ton of money, but we do have jobs. My job might not be easy and I might not make a lot, but I chose my profession so I could help provide for my family and still be home with my kids. And those people with the high paying jobs… they might not have that ability to really be present with their kids like I will.

Ryan is exceptional with children, including special needs kids.
Ryan has always had a gift with kids. He is so good at interacting with them, engaging them and lovingly but sternly correcting them when needed. He has this special ability that I’ve not really seen in anyone else. And not everyone knows this, but Ryan worked at Sunnyside School for at least three years when it was open. He worked with a wide range of children with differing needs, and the teachers there had nothing but glowing things to say about him and his work with the kids.

We’ve been preparing to be parents for years.
While some people may get pregnant unintentionally or with little to no struggle, we have been preparing to be parents for six long years. We’ve read so many books. We’ve researched various parenting options and child development. We’ve worked with our dogs to make sure they are good with kids. We’ve prepared our home and a nursery. And unlike many, we’ve had years to prepare our hearts for our child.

We are two people who love each other very much.
Studies show that solid, happily married couples have an incredible benefit on the emotional and mental development of an infant. We’ve experienced wonderful highs and painful lows, and our love for one another has never wavered. So one thing I can promise is that our child will have two parents who love each other.

And we will love our child relentlessly.
We fall in love with children so easily… We’ve had so many children come into our lives that have ensnared our hearts. One of the most special moments in my life in recent days has been when we were watching our friends’ kids, Poppy and Guster. Our friend Matt was visiting, and she told him, “They just let me come here and play, and they really love me.” Matt asked her, “why do they love you?” And she said, “I don’t know why… they just really do love me.” Nothing could make me happier than knowing that the children we care for know that they are loved by us. And I know we will do everything in our power to ensure that our child knows they are loved by us too.

So… long story short. We have no news… we’re still waiting. And the waiting is still hard. But we’re doing our best to remain hopeful during this time… focusing on each other and waiting with open hearts.