Uncomfortably Defined

Uncomfortably Defined

… sigh… So… I’m not sure where to start and I’m not sure how this will come across, but we’ll see if any of this makes sense by the time I’m done writing. You know, I’ve been writing and sharing little pieces of our story, our journey to grow our family here for the past four years. The more time has passed, the more open I’ve been about what’s happening. It hasn’t been easy – the journey or the sharing. But I felt called to share and I’ve seen the impact it’s having on the lives of others… so I keep writing.

But lately, I’ve been labeled in a way that I don’t really know how to process… At this point, I’ve had multiple people message me, comment, or tell me in person that I’m “inspiring” or “courageous” or “strong” or “brave” or something like that. And if I’m honest – it makes me… uncomfortable… because I don’t feel like I’m any of those things…

Most days… the last thing I feel is strong. I do try to be honest and share our reality with you, but I also try to share things in a fairly positive way (regardless of what some may think). But truthfully – that’s not my natural state. I’m naturally a pretty pessimistic person with leanings towards depression and anxiety. So I work really hard to try and stay positive on a daily basis. Honestly, I generally just feel overwhelmed or tired or powerless or hopeless. I have to think about self-care and what I need to stay “balanced.” There’s a lot of thought and work and evaluations that go into a lot of what I do… so strong isn’t something I typically feel…

When it comes to being courageous or brave – I don’t feel like I’m those things either. I’m so not a risk taker. I tend to choose the safe routes. And I’ll concede that some of the decision we’ve made, including sharing our story, has in a lot of ways been brave. But truly – I’m still terrified about every post I write. I still worry and debate over whether or not to share them. I still mentally prepare myself for every possible negative reaction. Because believe it or not – there have been a lot of them. And honestly, the sharing… I’m doing that as I feel led… it’s not a decision I utterly make myself but a guided action. Brave and courageous… they aren’t words I would choose for myself.

And inspiring… I think that’s the hardest one because that word feels so… I don’t know… it’s too much… and I honestly don’t feel like I’ve done anything to deserve such a description. There’s a lot wrapped up in being an inspiration and it freaks me out to be that to others. I feel like the only thing I can do from there is potentially fail you. That if I share all of it – including the moments the real, honest moments… I’m going to let you down. I’m not going to be that person you think that I am. Because guys… I am SO FAR from perfect… and it kind of makes me nervous – or even afraid – to share the real and raw details with you for fear of failing you.

Because the truth is – I feel like I’m failing you right now. That I’ve been failing you for weeks. These descriptions they make me feel like I have to always, every day, be strong and brave and inspiring. And I am terrified to admit and share that I’m not okay right now… even though I know personally that it’s okay for me to not be okay. In fact – I preach it to others all the time. And I know it’s irrational to think that I’ll be okay and put-together always. And yet I’m afraid if I admit that I’m struggling at the moment – I’ll somehow let you guys down. That whatever good I’m doing by sharing our story will be irreparably damaged.

I have spent weeks… dwelling on this. Trying to sort out why I feel this way…

So here it is… I have no desire to be a “somebody”… I hate being the center of attention. (In fact, this is the very reason I dislike celebrating my birthday.) My only goal for my life is to be a good person and to love other people. And while I was thinking about all of this it occurred to me… if any of this had happened easily. If things had worked out the way I hoped or planned. If we would have miraculously gotten pregnant or quickly been matched with a child… (like I was convinced we would) that’s an easy Christian road. It’s easy to have faith and believe when things come easily, when you get what you want. But that’s not how life works for most people. For most of us – life is hard and complicated and hurtful. So if I can walk this road, believing in Him and loving Him. If I can show others that God still loves me, even when I’m in pain, when I’m hurting, when I don’t understand why things are the way they are… If I can be a reflection of what God’s love looks like. If I can be a reflection of God’s love to others… then I think… maybe… I keep being real and vulnerable without letting you down.

Easy FaithReflect God's Love

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